By Lindsay

If you want an honest story about what you may expect, or if you have questions you want answered but aren’t sure who to ask or how to ask them, this article is for you.

Getting Pregnant

I took getting pregnant for granted.

When you’re growing up & being told about the birds & bees, adults spend so much time telling you that you will get pregnant if you are alone with a boy. No one really talked about the other side of that.

When you learn the process of how babies are made, for a moment, you wonder how there are so many people in the world! To me, it is further evidence of a creator.

Infertility & miscarriage are much more common than I ever knew. No one talks about it!

I always wanted to be a mommy & wife full time, I had no career aspirations. But when we started trying & it wasn’t happening, I wondered if it would ever happen.

God doesn’t promise everyone a baby. Did He have one planned for us?

We tried for 3 years before we got a positive test. When the doctor’s office confirmed I was pregnant, I could’ve been knocked over with a feather. I was in total shock & in a state of complete gratitude. I instantly & clearly felt God tell me, “you are having a son.”

Within a week of finding out I was pregnant, I miscarried.

We don’t know why it happened. After feeling that God told me we were having a son, it was the last thing I expected.

When I told people I miscarried, I was shocked to learn how many women in my life had also experienced a miscarriage.

The entire experience made me value life in a way I never had before.

Grand scheme big picture, even though it hurt both emotionally & physically, I know that I was blessed not to have experienced a more traumatic miscarriage. Sadly, some women’s are much worse.

But that baby was so loved & wanted. It broke my heart & shook me to the core.

I read two devotionals for women who lost babies but I didn’t finish them because they talked about other experiences & I didn’t want to think about everything that could go wrong when we started trying again.

What I read was great, so if you or someone you know are seeking healing & can handle reading about other’s experiences, these books may help you. The titles are:

Loved Baby

Grieving The Child I Never Knew

It took another year of trying, tracking ovulation & taking clomid (a pill that makes more eggs available) before we found out God put our little man in the oven! We were over the moon with joy!

Being Pregnant 🤰

I found out I was pregnant when I was 5 weeks along. I prayed fervently for the baby’s health & protection everyday.

I cried like crazy when I tested positive. I wanted to be excited but I was so terrified of losing this baby too. I was scared of going places; afraid of miscarrying again but in public.

Literally the first time I left the house after testing positive, an unmanned motorcycle shot at my car, almost hitting me.

I wanted to hide in the house & wrap myself in armor & bubble wrap for the rest of the pregnancy.

I neurotically read the labels of everything before eating or drinking it. I wouldn’t even drink a small amount of caffeine. I was careful of lifting things. I was careful with everything I did. If it was in my power to, I took reasonable or foreseeable precautions.

When I heard the heartbeat at 8 weeks, that helped me relax. Hearing my baby’s heartbeat was an indescribable experience I will never forget.

Since COVID was actively happening, Shawn was never able to come to an ultrasound or any other baby appointment until the birth, but he face timed for every one & he was involved in every way he could have been.

I never had morning sickness. In fact, I had a pretty easy pregnancy until the end.

Mid way through, I experienced some rib pain as my body worked on the addition of a bedroom for my baby to hang out in.

When I started getting bigger I started getting uncomfortable.

But the bigger I got, the more I felt the baby’s kicks! Feeling him move around was a great relief; not having to wait for a doctor’s appointment to hear his heart beat to know he was still going strong was a great source of comfort.

My back hurt so bad that I had to get prenatal massages a few times literally just to be able to comfortably exist, not for relaxation.

The last week of my pregnancy I went for a walk, which I did everyday. A yellow jacket chased me & I fell. As I sat there shaking, I thought, we cannot have gotten this far along to lose this baby too, we just cannot…

God protected our baby! A truly amazing neighbor helped me. From her angle she thought I landed on my stomach. Praise God, I didn’t!

My knees, palms & wrists acted as shock absorbers & were scraped. My knees took the brunt of the blow, so it was hard to walk & bend them thereafter. I felt okay, so I declined an ambulance & we went to the hospital anyway to be safe.

Giving Birth

Being a planner, having an unknown day & time for a baby to come was not easy for me! I wanted an appointment to have him – which God ended up giving me.

I was induced via balloon & delivered my son vaginally with no epidural. The whole process took less than 24 hours. I know I was very blessed that it went so smoothly because my doctor said it could take a week to be induced!

I was blessed with a really great delivery team. The doctors & nurses were all fantastic.

Firstly, it’s called labor for a reason. Parts of it were rough; Shawn loves telling people he thought I was going to break the bed rail. Even though the pain can be intense, ultimately, I found it tolerable.

I chose not to get the epidural for a few reasons:

• I read how & saw a picture of how the epidural is administered. I’m fine with needles but I did not like the idea of one being put in my spine.
• I read that the epidural can make labor take longer – I wanted an efficient delivery.
• I read that the epidural can cause complications.
• When I’m in pain I like to walk around & I read you cannot usually do that with an epidural.
• I wanted to be able to listen to my body with no interference, which ended up being a good thing.

I am not a traveler. I like going to bed in my own house each night. I was seriously dreading having to stay overnight in the hospital, & I was scared of what was going to happen to me. I prayed fervently for a healthy & efficient delivery & a strong & healthy baby. I had prayer warriors praying for our little family. We were so happy to see these prayers answered!

The week leading up to my induction date, I barely slept. I was too afraid of what horrors would befall my body. The day of my induction I barely ate, hoping not to give my stomach vomit ammo, because pain sometimes makes me nauseous.

On the other side of delivering my baby, I see that the anticipation & fear was so much worse than the actual delivery. Staying overnight in the hospital became a non-issue because I had my soft & perfect little man to snuggle like a teddy bear. I would’ve been happy anywhere.

The doctor placed the balloon around 9:30 p.m. I was hooked up to monitors & fluids, which had me having to pee hourly or less. Every time I had to pee, I had to call a nurse to don her captain save a ho cape to free me from the machines, escort me to the bathroom & hook me back up again.

My water broke around 6:00 a.m. I called a nurse to tell her & she didn’t believe me; she thought I peed. I responded, “I haven’t been able to hold this much pee in months.”

I was administered Pitocin, which was great stuff! It made labor even more efficient.

My lower back felt the most pressure I’ve ever felt in my life. I could barely move, which made me laugh at how I thought I would be walking off the pain. I was only comfortable laying on my side. I got nauseous. I could feel my body widening & my baby descending.

When Pitocin started ramping things up, the initial contractions I felt were no worse than period cramps. Then the back labor started, which for me was the worst part.

Then I felt like I needed to push, so I called a nurse & told her. She didn’t believe me either. When she arrived to check on me, she was surprised to find I was ready to push.

Shawn described what happened next as the pit crew arriving. The room filled up with medical staff.

Nurses flipped me onto my back. Laying on my back was very difficult & painful because of all the pressure; it was like laying on a rock.

Then it was time to push. Pushing feels comparable to pooping. I did not feel the “ring of fire” some women experience.

The doctor guided me to push based on the contractions she saw on the monitor, but I didn’t always feel like I was ready to push when she told me to. It took us a bit to get into the right rhythm.

I had a hard time getting started getting the baby out, which I think was associated with trying to get the rhythm of contractions & pushing right.

The doctor wanted to use a vacuum on his head, which freaked me out because I was afraid of hurting his brain. I yelled “c-section!”, thinking it would be safer to cut him out of me. I wanted to be the one to have a scar, not him; I wanted to protect his brain. The doctor said he was too far descended & that it would be too difficult a c-section. Thankfully progress was quick; the vacuum only performed a light suck & popped off before it had to do heavy duty work.

The doctor then announced,“episiotomy”. I didn’t even feel the cut.

I pushed for about a half hour. Even with “child bearing hips”, each push was extremely strenuous, so much so that I wasn’t breathing between pushes (unintentionally). Shawn held an air mask on my face until I was done.

When I did the last push, I was so out of it that the world stopped for a minute. I felt something comparable to a rubber band stretching as my baby came out, then snapping back into place. Then the silence was broken with a baby’s screaming.

My son was laid on my stomach. I reached down to touch him & was in awe of him. Then he pooped all over me & the bed.

The doctor delivered the placenta. I didn’t want to see it. Shawn said it was almost as big as our baby.

Shawn was called to cut the cord. He said the doctor was holding the cord between her fingers & he had to stop for minute to focus because he was afraid he would cut her finger instead of the cord; the cord & gloves were similar in color.

The pit crew took him to the other side of the room to check him over & clean him up. I couldn’t take my eyes off him.

The doctor said she needed to stitch me up, which I asked for a local anesthetic for. The needle she used to stitch me up looked like a fish hook (cringe!) so I averted my eyes.

Shawn held him burritoed in a blanket. When my stitches were done I got to hold him again.

The nurses encouraged snuggling skin to skin, so I opened my hospital gown & laid him on my chest. He was wearing a diaper & I laid his blanket over both of us.

I don’t remember how long I held him, time stood still. He was so perfect & snuggly & it was the best moment of my life.

Some people say they’re blown away by how much they love their babies when they hold them for the first time. I wasn’t blown away because I fully expected to love him as much as I did. I loved him that much since the moment I knew he was coming. I had waited for him for years; my heart’s missing puzzle piece was finally here! Praise God!

It didn’t take him long to let me know he was hungry!

Breastfeeding 🤱

Breastfeeding seems pretty easy when you think about it, but I discovered it was a learned skill.

While I held him after delivery, he started rooting around for a drink. The nurse guided me on how to hold him. Finding the right hold was important.

We arranged for circumcision at the hospital the next day after he was born. After it was done, he nursed for 5 hours.

For not having any teeth, it is absolutely amazing what damage babies can do. I had no idea what he was capable of. By the time we left the hospital I was scabbed & bleeding. Nipple cream did not help.

Newborns nurse constantly. Every time he was thirsty, I wanted to snuggle & nurse him, but my body was also cringing at the white hot toe curling pain awaiting me. But I also didn’t want to give up.

I had the assistance of a lactation consultant for a few weeks & she helped so much.

She gave me a nipple shield, which is a clear rubber pasty with holes. The shield stopped the pain immediately!

While having to ensure clean shields were ready for each feeding was a lot of work, it allowed me to continue nursing.

To get my milk supply started, the consultant had me pump milk in addition to nursing.

It was frustrating for me initially because our baby would be crying for me while I was pumping & I just wanted to pick him up & nurse him! It felt like I was upsetting him for no reason; couldn’t I just nurse him instead?

However, pumping ended up working. Our baby was falling asleep while nursing, so he wasn’t emptying all the milk during each feed, which was crucial to starting to supply.

For awhile I had to triple feed, which meant I was pumping, nursing & supplementing with formula if he was still hungry.

When my milk came in, it felt like I had the flu. Combined with having no sleep, it was a rough day.

Thereafter, I was able to stop pumping which was great! Down to nursing and supplementing with formula was less work & gave me more time holding my baby.

The consultant recommended lactation cookies, which contained ingredients that support milk supply. They were delicious & a snack I miss to this day.

I was blessed to nurse our son for 1 year, which was my original goal. 🎉

Life With A Newborn

Oh man, where do I start!

The newborn stage doesn’t last very long. I ate up all the baby snuggles. I studied his little face & hands. I sang to him & danced with him & rocked him.

I cried because of how much I loved him. We built a strong bond.

Everyday that I put a healthy baby to bed I praised God.

We watched him get stronger, change & grow into a little man. It has been a privilege & I couldn’t be more grateful.

You get no sleep for awhile. That’s part of this chapter. Our little man became a great sleeper during his first year, with some regression as he hit milestones, when he was teething or sick, but overall he was a good sleeper. That is not normal. Most babies are not great sleepers. Rest while you can.

Schedules are crucial. I’m a planner; I’ve always done better with schedules so it wasn’t hard for me to get us into one. Life revolves around the schedule of nursing, bottles, napping, walks, tummy time, etc.

Going places was not easy. Some people don’t struggle with taking their babies everywhere, but I’m not one of them. For me being at home was so much easier!

Our doctor recommended that he only be around 5 people other than us for the first 3 months.

COVID wasn’t yet under control so it seemed like a wise idea (plus I wanted him all to myself & Shawn). Further, there are lots of other illnesses that he could get other than covid that would’ve been bad, even life threatening for him.

So for the first 3 months of his life, the only people other than mom & dad he saw were his grandparents. After that we eased him into being around other people.

Many new moms go stir crazy from being home so much, but I wasn’t one of them. I had been waiting to be a mommy for as long as I could remember. There was a time I wasn’t sure if it would happen at all, then I had a miscarriage.

While those experiences were very difficult, it made me appreciate every step of our journey.

I took him for walks everyday & the fresh air was great for both of us. We had little outings everyday & I kept in touch with my favorite people.

Venturing Out Into The World

After our 3 month quarantine & as he got older we were able to do more fun adventures everyday.

Your diaper bag is your life line when you bravely venture out of the house. As an over prepared planner, mine was always packed to the gills. I’d bring at least 4 outfits if we were going to be gone awhile, plus a plastic bag if any of them succumbed to a diaper explosion. 💥

I’ve seen commercials where a first time mom packs the baby’s room & an experienced mom grabs a handful of cheerios. Even now, my diaper bag remains over stuffed because that’s just how I am.

There are windows of time where getting errands done is most doable. You have to be ready to go in a flash to make the most of your window! 💥⚡️

Target curbside was a life saver! It was so nice being able to “load my cart” while I nursed, then jump in the car during our errand window. All you do is check in & wait; no fooling around with shopping carts, car seats & carriers or strollers.

I don’t know how people did grocery runs with babies before target curbside. I used to want to be born decades ago, but between target curbside & air conditioning, I’m glad God put me when & where he did.

Pure Love & My Eccentricities

I understood koalas, kangaroos & opossums in a way I never had before because I never wanted to put him down, ever. My son spent a lot of time in a front carrier & he loved it as much as I did.

For awhile he would only sleep if he was held. When Shawn would take care of him for me so I could get some sleep, I cried because I didn’t want to leave him, even though I knew he would only be downstairs.

When I delivered the hospital had strict policies because of Covid, which meant we had no visitors. When I learned that while I was pregnant it didn’t seem like a big deal; his family & friends would meet him later. After he was born, I was so insanely grateful for that policy! I could not imagine letting people other than Shawn hold him those first few days!

Whenever we had visitors, I understood why they wanted to hold him, but I hated handing him to them. While he was a helpless little hostage I let very few people hold him & I wouldn’t leave the room while they did. No shame, no apologies, wouldn’t go back & do it differently.

Mama bear hasn’t calmed down yet. To this day, I don’t like people holding him & I always have hawk eyes on him. “Mama Llama’s always near even if she’s not right here”. Not everyone feels this way, but I know other moms who do too. So if you do too, I get it! If you don’t, we’re all different & that’s okay!

Recovering

I knew my body had a lot to recover from. It took about a year for my body to recover & bounce back to a close resemblance of its pre-baby self.

Here are some highlights:

• After giving birth, the nurses help you into disposable cotton boy short style undies with a pad so big you probably had never seen one that size before.
• You have to call for a nurse to pee after giving birth & they have to measure how much you pee.
• You have to use a squirt bottle to rinse after going to bathroom. Wiping is too painful & rinsing helps wash away anything lingering that could cause infection.
• When you change your pad, you can line it was witch hazel pads & spray it with to help with pain & discomfort.
• The nurses give you an ice pack to put in your underwear. This is crucial to remaining comfortable. I skipped one once & the lesson burned in my brain.
• I bleed for about two weeks after delivery.
• After delivering the nurses had me on a strict regime of pain meds that kept me comfortable. When I missed a dose of ibuprofen when we got home I paid dearly.
• The hospital sent us home with a bag of supplies. When I ran out of the disposable undies from the supply bag, I used depends.
• My stitches were healed about a month after.
• Sex was painful for over 6 months after delivery & uncomfortable until 1 year after. Pelvic floor therapy might have helped if I arranged it, but I wanted to recover without it.
• Something I hadn’t expected was that I had 0 desire for sex while I was nursing. When I stopped it returned. This is more common than you’d think!

Recovery wasn’t easy but it was worrh

Conclusion

As of the publishing of this article my son is 15 months old. My body feels back to normal.

I absolutely love being his mom & I am so grateful I am able to be home with him full time.

I remain a mama bear.